From Spring, 2019 issue of Light of Consciousness
My yoga guru, Baba Hari Dass, died about a month ago, at the age of 95. Curiously, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. I am sad about his passing, of course, and that I’ll never get to see him again in this world. I feel him with me, however, in a very visceral sense when I reflect upon his teachings. One of his instructions, which he conveyed with great emphasis, was to serve others selflessly, without expectation for recognition or reward.
When I first learned this, I figured, “Sure thing, no big deal.” I thought that yoga meant being able to twist into fancy postures, to sit in a lotus pose for long periods of time, to develop great powers, and ultimately, to gain the coveted prize of “enlightenment.” I figured those accomplishments would take a lot of work. Being selfless in my relationships didn’t seem like such a tough task.
Once I actually made the attempt to love and serve others without concern for reward or appreciation, I found the practice was much harder than I anticipated. I expected I could do this “selfless service” thing with one arm tied behind my back. Instead, I ended up throwing both arms up in the air and complaining that a lot of things were not fair! I was kind to people, but they weren’t kind back. I would do nice things for my family, and they didn’t even notice. I would even teach yoga classes, and no one would appreciate the nobility of my purpose.
I started getting angry because I was not being admired and my affections not reciprocated. Fortunately, in the mirror of meditation I was able to perceive what was really happening. I was giving, sure, but I was complaining that I wasn’t getting. In a very real sense, therefore, I wasn’t giving, I was conducting business. I expected some return on my investment, even if it was only to have others recognize how selfless I was being! Trying to be selfless had shown me how selfish and self-centered I actually was.
Luckily for me, and for all of us, the great yoga sages provide for us detailed descriptions of the human psyche. Like skilled physicians, they have analyzed why we suffer and why we don’t give freely to others. Plus, like kindly Grandmas, they have offered us the healing soup of skillful means by which we can heal and grow.
The first step in unraveling the knot of selfishness is taking responsibility. One must appreciate that emotions and thoughts are not so much driven by external circumstances, they are habits. A good habit is like a nice sweater, something inherently pleasant to wear. When the chilly winds blow, having a sweater woven of compassion, humor, and forgiveness can make a cold day enjoyable. A bad habit, knitted from anger, jealousy, and guilt is threadbare and itchy. As such, we seek to get rid of it by putting it somewhere else. We look around the external world and find a “hook,” someone or something on which the sweater can be hung, on which the negativity can be blamed.
The yogis teach that our true being, our soul, is an expression of eternal love and beauty (satyam-shivam-sundaram). When we fail to recognize this, we suffer because we so desperately yearn for these attributes. It is innate in our souls. Like the proverbial musk deer who exhausts herself running all around the forest seeking the source of the sweet fragrance, we tire ourselves seeking in the external world what is to be found in our own soul. This misdirected seeking is called avidya, literally, a lack of wisdom.
Without wisdom, we are prone to the influences of other unenlightened beings. We grow into our sense of identity through biological and social conditioning which reinforce the feeling of separation from our souls. Much of the blueprint for this conditioning takes place in childhood, prior to the development of the cognitive mind and psychological defenses. As such, the seeds of suffering (samksaras) are actually sitting in the subconscious, beneath the ability of the mind to perceive. This is why yoga is so effective, it is designed to root out the deepest causes of suffering.
The false identity based on separation is called ego (asmita). In yoga, the term, “ego,” is not synonymous, however, with its common usage in Western psychology. Ego is understood to be a profound misunderstanding of one’s actual self. Like an actor who forgets to come out of character at the end of a play, we are overly absorbed in bodily identification and social roles.
Our birth certificates, passports, driver’s licenses, and tax reports seem to be an accurate description of who we are. They are not. They present the storyline of this life, but an eternal soul has no beginning, no end, no permanent social identity. It is healthy and good to perform our roles well, that is the purpose of our lives. Let us, however, remember that someday the play here will be over. We will die. So, it’s best not to get overwhelmed by what takes place on the stage.
Because the ego is based on separation from love, it is inherently painful. The pain is so intense that a person in egoic consciousness automatically engages in two dynamics to resolve the misery. The first is to seek in external objects, events, and relationships something to soothe the misery and fill the emptiness (raga). Its partner is to try to avoid objects, events, and relationships which seem undesirable (dvesha).
Neither of these could possibly succeed in providing peace and happiness. First, the world rarely agrees to fulfill our desires and, instead, consistently asks us to accept what we do not want. Second, because raga and dvesha are based on the false premise that something external can remedy an internal malady. To pursue egoic goals is not indicative of malevolence, it is not a sin, it is simply a misguided strategy that cannot succeed.
Before we continue, please recognize that the sages are not requiring us to avoid the external world. Rather, they are helping us overcome our dysfunctional relationships. When one is seeking fulfillment in objects, events, and other people, it is inevitable there will be fear and stress. Yoga is designed to free us of co-dependence. It is only by achieving freedom, even in small measure, that we can actually enjoy the world and participate in social and familial relationships in a healthy and pleasurable manner.
The culmination of losing wisdom, of developing an ego, and of seeking and avoidance, is clinging (abhinivehsa). This is deeper than simple dependence; it is an obsessive need to possess and a dire fear of losing. This is why life feels so unstable. It is difficult to attain what seems to provide comfort and security, and even more difficult to retain it.
The penultimate expression of this dynamic is clinging to life and accompanying the fear of death. This is the seed of much of our stress, and the supreme example of futility. After all, the one sure and true thing in our lives is that we will die.
For the yogi, the reality of death is not somber, although it can certainly be poignant. Rather, it is a reminder of the transitive yet precious nature of our time here. Because of this, there is not much sense in worrying about all the small details that will mean so little when we face death. Instead, our focus is to spend our lifetime healing, growing, and serving others.
Having identified the dynamics of why it is hard to give to others selflessly, and the accompanying pain in this difficulty, let’s move on to the good news: There is a remedy!
Regardless of different emphasis on philosophy and practices, virtually all yoga paths agree there is one master practice. One attitude, a simple mental adjustment, that can propel one rapidly along the spiritual path into great heights of wisdom and love. This is: surrender in faith.
By completely accepting what is, rather than struggling against reality, one quickly finds a deep well of inner peace and joy. In the yoga tradition, surrender can be to one’s conception of God (ishavara pranidhana), a conception of Goddess (ishvari pranidhana), to one’s guru, (guru pranidhana), or to one’s own soul (atma pranidhana). It’s simply a case of temperament, an example of “different strokes for different folks.” There are advantages and disadvantages to each method but they all provide the same result.
On a practical level, to have faith means to relinquish the past and trust the future. Recognize the past is finished; no amount of guilt, frustration, or mental agitation will change what has occurred. Forgiveness, of self and of others, is a sure-fire method of releasing anger and shame. Whatever was done is done. Over. No more. Can you give yourself permission to move on?
Faith means 100% confidence that all shall be well. Not 99.9%, the whole ball of wax. I suggest people try having full faith as an experiment. For a designated period of time, cast aside all worries, doubts, and fears. Feel as if you are cradled in the loving arms of a Divine Being, or have confidence in your own soul, to guide, protect, and provide. It can be disconcerting at first because it is so different from our usual attempts at control and persuasion. Our previous tactics, however, did not provide us with the peace and happiness we seek, so why not give the yoga way a fair try?
It’s a wonderful paradox that the spiritual path begins with taking responsibility and ends in surrender. Such is frequently the way with spirit; dark to the mind but light to the heart. When we appreciate the way to peace is to serve selflessly, we must confront the obstructions that stand in our way. As we attend to our negativities, we reach the conclusion that spiritual surrender in faith is the path.
Getting back to Baba Hari Dass and his death, I am reminded of something he often repeated, “I can cook for you, but I can’t eat for you.” In other words, even the greatest of gurus can only share and inspire, they can’t actually do your personal work. And this is a magnificent thing because it means you are empowered.
You are the only one in the entire creation that can seize this opportunity. I encourage you to grab life by both shoulders, and hug and squeeze it for all it is worth. Fulfill your divine potential by fully engaging your spiritual passions. It will bring you personal satisfaction, and make it possible for you to selflessly contribute to the well-being of others. In this way, by your presence here, the world becomes a better place.
